“Bananas again? You prescribe bananas for everything!

Skinny Snowman

“Sudden weight loss, profuse sweating … I’m sorry, I’m afraid you’re melting.”      

Getting High

“High blood pressure, high cholesterol, high blood sugar, high anxiety … getting high is no fun at my age!”    

Turkey Giblets

“We found the problem – all of your internal organs are in this little bag.”

Rare Side Effect

“Well, Mr. Hurley, it’s rare, but it is listed as a possible side effect.”

Healthcare Coverage

“With your occupation, obtaining healthcare coverage will be tough.”  

Shaving Injury

 “He cut himself shaving and overreacted a little.”


“Take one pill three times a day … and my mother wishes to add that you should drink some nice hot tea and get right into your jammies.”

Allergic to Mondays

“Interesting. Your latest test results confirm that you are, in fact, allergic to Mondays, mornings, exercise, and stupid people.”

Cholesterol Medication

“You haven’t been taking your cholesterol medication, have you, Mr. Grosshart?”

Eating in Moderation

“Asking the hot dog cart guy if three chili dogs a day is ‘eating in moderation’ does not count as a second opinion.”

The Operation Was a Success

“Don’t worry, if afterward you wake up, it means the operation was a success!”

Team Doctor

“Quick, get the team doctor! And a vet, just to be safe!”

Suffer From Good Health

“You can enjoy diabetes, high cholesterol, and hypertension or you can suffer from good health.”

Just Sick People

“Another day without drama, mystery, or romance. Just sick people.”

“The Red Circles Are Your Blood Cells”

“The red circles are your red blood cells. The white circles are your white blood cells. The brown circles are donuts. We need to talk.”

Unclog My Arteries

It’s an experimental procedure. Every time I sneeze, it unclogs my arteries!

Incurably Romantic

Test results indicate you’re incurably romantic.

Turkey Sponge Bath

My husband does most of the cooking now. My family got grossed out when I gave a sponge bath to our Thanksgiving turkey.”

The DNA of Thin Parents…

“Eat less, exercise more, and alter your genetic code with the DNA of thin parents.”

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